The white woman's crack just got whacker

An open letter to Coca-Cola,

Call me a purist, but I like my Diet Coke free of chemical shit.

Well, um, without all the new vitaminy additives that marketing bloodsuckers have tossed in to seduce skinny bitches and wannabe-skinny bitches to drink more of the liquid crack.

I take a Centrum daily and eat my leafy greens. Please let me have this one vice, Coca- Cola. You're manipulating us addicts, but we're smart enough take our chemical cocktail in its natural form. We don't want fortified vitamins and minerals in the world's best-selling sugar-free carbonated drink. We want the "great taste without the benefits."

Obesity is a real downer for you (and the millions of Americans whose tubby asses are perma-glued to the couch and covered in telltale orange Cheeto dust) but why target Diet Coke? If you're gonna monkey with products to revamp your image, mess with the tooth-rotting bile you sell in the red cans.

I apologize for getting a little cranky. I just haven't had any caffeine today.

Sincerely,

Lesley